Have you ever felt like life was speeding by at 1000 mph? It truly feels like this past eight months has disappeared in a flash. I can't believe that my son will be here soon. I honestly do not feel ready, not from a daddy stand point as much but more from a money, organizational, and energy standpoint. In the past month I have been working overtime to try and earn extra money for the upcoming delivery. Each night I come home completely spent and there is still so much that needs to be done at home. We still have not finished the baby room, our house could use a hefty amount of spring cleaning, and my vegetable garden is filled with weeds instead of veggies.
I know everyone keeps reminding me that I don't know what tired is yet but honestly I have to say I have found these comments less than encouraging. I am looking forward to the arrival of our son and I am looking forward to carrying the mantle of fatherhood. I truly want to be able to enjoy each precious minute of this time. I want to be able to drink in the moments of joy that are happening daily. I want to reveling in the miracle that is taking place in my wife's belly. Honestly though each time I hear, "just wait if you think your tired now," it in no way bring me joy about the coming of our little boy.
Truly though all I can think about each evening is that I am tired. My body is in constant pain because of the struggles I have with my back, wrist, and tailbone. Though I sleep at least 8 hours a night, I still wake up tired and in a fog. I feel like my weekends are over in a flash with minimal amounts of restoration to be had. To be honest I am struggling.
I am so afraid that I am going to miss out on the precious points of this pregnancy, our baby boy, and life in general because of these struggles. Though I know it doesn't completely compare, I think about all the times I told my dog no to playing fetch because I was to tired, hurting, or busted wanted time to myself. I hope that I won't do that with my son. I truly want to be the best father I can be. I want to love on him, be there for him, be strong for him, and lead him well but there are times when I wonder if I will or can.
These past few months have been full of me worrying about the future. Worrying about money. Worrying about jobs. Worrying about our boy. Worrying about church. Worrying about daycare. Worrying about our call to missions. Worrying, worrying, worrying about so many things!
Proverbs 16:9 say, "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Matthew 6:34 say, "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Psalm 31:15 says, "My times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!" Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Through these verses and many more, I am finding peace. When I spend all my time worrying and fretting about how my life will turn out, how good a father I will be, how everything will get taken care of, I am only focusing purely on me. When I take the time to saturate my heart in these wonderful verses, I begin focusing on God.
I was listening to a sermon today while mowing at my job. One of the verses profoundly touched me saying, "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. Ecclesiastes 3:11" It is not for me to know my beginning or end but to trust God daily to guide me. I want to fill these longings in my heart with security, money, time, health, and so much more when the only one who can truly satisfy every longing of my heart is God. In completely relying on Him and leaning on Him, I can find peace and strength for both today and tomorrow. Through Him, I can conquer all things because He will help me be content in all things and guide me in right paths no matter what struggles I face.
I hope you will put your complete faith in the Lord tonight. I don't know what struggles you have or what things have been keeping you up all night in worry but I do know that my Lord is faithful to come and bring peace that passes all understanding into your life if you will trust Him. He truly has prepared our ways and His plans are plans of hope and goodness for us. If you are in the Lord, you can always trust He will be there for you and provide you everything you need to make it through your struggle. Though at times I let the worries overwhelm me, I always have His Word to realign, restore, and remind me of His love and truth.
Lord,
In my time of worries and darkness, please shine your guiding light upon me. I pray that I would always escape into the light of your Word. Amen
Blessings,
Greg
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