I recommended this blog post, by my wife, to everyone and yet I just discovered that most of you who viewed my blog chose not to read her blog. I believe that this blog my wife wrote needs to be read by every believer in Jesus Christ. If you did not chose to check out this blog last time, I hope you will choose to read it tonight. Blessings
This whole blog may be long and a little messy - I just have so much rolling in my head right now. So much has happened. I have to share it. I can't just pray, I can't just journal. It begs to be shared.
For over two years now I have felt a disconnect in my faith. I have wondered about what Christ has really done for me that I should share him with others, what are the real differences among those in the trinity, what does a Christ-centered life really look like, do people really come to Jesus anymore, do I know him and does he know me, am I really saved at all and from what, and two years ago I had the scariest of all these questions pounding me in the face - God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit - does He really even exist or have I been believing a lie...
I have been seeking - oh, Lord, have I been seeking - but where have I sought the answers?
Now, don't get me wrong, I fully believe that God can and does speak through His children - otherwise how would anyone believe unless everyone had access to the Bible and the Holy Spirit at every waking moment. How can we believe unless someone tells us? That's in the Word.
But people are NOT a substitute for the Word.
I asked so many people so many different times - so much so that they probably got so tired of me. I could see it in their faces sometimes - to the point where I stopped asking the questions with some people and just wallowed in my lostness. And that's what it was. Lostness. Now, again, don't get me wrong. I KNOW that I am a child of God. It has taken the past two years to make me certain of that again, but even in my lostness, I at least faintly knew that I still loosely believed. My faith was likely as small and frantic as an electron circling the nucleus of an atom of a mustard seed (if there even is such a thing - I am an English teacher, after all), but it was there.
Still, I was lost. I was lost in a world without certainty. I was lost in a world where I felt so alone and like there was no one to turn to. My parents and in-laws are all ministers - what would they say to my loss of faith? My sister had helped me in the past, but was I willing to open this up to her? My brother, I knew, had his own struggles and I didn't want to be a hindrance to him.
Thank God for my husband. Although he has at many points been one of those who rolled his eyes at yet another moment of my questioning - he has always allowed God to speak through him, even if it took him a while to get to that point in the conversations. He has been to me, his wife, exactly what a Godly husband should be. But more on that later.
Still, I maintain my previous statement, people are NOT a substitute for the Word of God.
Books written by Godly people who have had their own struggles. In this past year or two, those have been Becoming a Woman of Faith by Cynthia Heald, A Sure Path by Susan S. Scott, Reckless Faith by Beth Guckenberger, and One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Each, in their own way, about faith, which is what I knew I was lacking. I have grown in faith by reading these books and they have helped me to see new things about God and my realtionship with Him
But, again, books are NOT substitutes for the Word of God.
I have also turned to music.
KLOVE, Air1, and any other Christian radio stations that grace the dial in my car as well as that in my iTunes and flowing from my church. Especially when songs are about God, I can see Him and I can feel closer to Him.
But, again, music is NOT to be a substitute for the Word of God.
Somehow I always knew that the Bible was where I should turn and God was who I needed to seek, but I had begun to believe the lie that if I went there, all I would get would be condemnation. All I would get would be a sentence.
See this? Yeah, you're definitely lost. Man, you are so lost. Oh, and check out this sin I bet you didn't even know you had - you're a wreck. And check out this other stuff in your head and your heart and your life. You're such a terrible person, you can never fix all the things that are wrong with you!
And I was right - in part.
This afternoon I was talking with my husband about the idea of us beginning to take steps to become missionaries - something that has been growing in his heart as a desire and calling for the past 5 years and something that used to be very present in my heart as a calling and a passion, telling others about Christ.
But not anymore.
Even before the past two years, I was still wandering in a place where I wondered if God really spoke to me still, if He really had a plan for me, if I could know what that was, if I was even worthy of it anymore.
There's me again, believing the lie.
Still, after such a long time of lostness - I had forgotten too many things to see the need for sharing Christ with others. I knew this was a good thing, something Christians should do, but not only did I feel stale in this calling, I also felt stale in my relationship with Christ. The more my husband spoke passionately about sharing Christ with others and the more he shared with me how genuine his belief in Christ and how ardent his faith, the more I felt my heart crying out I wish someone would share this Jesus with me - I want to meet this Jesus. Like the retired pastor in Frank Perretti's novel The Visitation, I felt in my heart "I was saved, sanctified, born again, and Spirit-filled, but Jesus and I were strangers."
Again I asked the hard questions.
Again, God spoke to me through my husband. The following are answers my heart believes. These are not just answers fed me by a loving husband, but answers whispered into my heart by a loving God through my husband, my books, my music, my experiences, and my seeking in scripture. You see, God can use all these. And He does. But the Word is His living story.
*What's with the trinity? Yes, God is the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, but all are God.
The Father knew there was no way for us to be with Him, so he sent the Son. The Son lived among us to show us who the Father truly was and to give us the opportunity to be like him, then died so that we could be fully made right with God if we accepted his sacrifice. The Holy Spirit was sent to us, the believers, in order to help us understand and remember the Son's teaching and lead us to the Father, call us to be made right and follow the Son to the longest-lasting and most pure relationship we'll ever have.
*Why is Jesus so important? He's the cure!
I can read about my diagnosis all day in the Bible. True, I am a wreck. True, I do have sin that I don't even know is there. True, there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix myself, no matter how long I try or how many methods I use to self-improve. But if I read the Bible simply for it's diagnosis and not for the fact that Jesus came to fix me, to give me hope, to be my cure! He is the one who will come and take his faithful home to be with him.
*Why is the Bible such a big deal? The Bible isn't just another book, but THE book!
True, it does show us what is wrong in the eyes of God and it does show us why we'll never be able to come to God on our own merits. But it's also the living story of God's love and promises shown through a multitude of generations and a man who died and lives and has the power and authority to give me freedom from anything and everything that can keep me from being the woman I was made to be... without understanding this, I have truly missed it. Oh, Lord, have I missed it.
*What does a Christ-centered life really look like? Just look at the lives of those who don't just profess to believe what the Bible says, but also LIVE it out!
My friends who are in Spain sharing the truth of the gospel, they are living it. My friends and their large family living in the Horn of Africa and sharing what Jesus has done in their lives with the lost they meet, they are living it. My loved ones leaving for India to build relationships with people they have never met in a country they have never more than visited in order to help people break free of the chains of a life lived by rules and traditions instead of the freedom of Jesus's sacrifice and love for us, they are living it. And my dear, dear husband who shares with the broken women at his workplace through song and service and the small pod of young people in our young adults bible study group through the Word and the "random" people he comes into contact with that start asking the questions without realizing it...
and his lonely, questioning, frightened wife who feels safe asking him the hard questions and trusting that he knows the way to lead her back to the One who will always have the answers.
*So do people really come to Jesus anymore? Yes, oh, Lord, yes, they do. How do I know?
*Do I really know him and does he really know me? Yes, He does. And though I feel that I have before and I only now do in part, I am learning to know Him more and will seek to do so for the rest of my life.
How? By seeking him in the Bible - in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John) where the men He ministered with share their experiences with Him - and share his words. By seeking Him in prayer - asking Him my tough questions and believing Him for the truth to blot out all the lies. By being obedient to do what he asks of me even when it's scary and I don't feel like I am the right one to be doing so. He knows me. He loves me. That's why He died, that's why He lives, that's why He calls me to join Him, that's why He allows me to face the hard questions and wrestle through them for the blessing on the other side.
I won't let go, Lord, I won't let go!
So now the answer to my oldest and scariest question...
*Have I been believing a lie?
Well, I must tell you that the answer is yes.
Yes I have.
I have believed that God was not there and even if He was, He wouldn't speak to me and that was a lie.
I have believed that Jesus did and is doing nothing worthy of me sharing him with others - a tragic lie.
I have believed that I was lost in the midst of all my questioning and that He had left me - a blatant lie.
I have believed that I could magically draw closer to Him by talking to other people, listening to music, and reading odd books instead of seeking him in scripture and asking him for guidance - a candle-snuffing lie.
I have believed that the Bible was just another book and had no more power than to show me what I was doing wrong and give me more and more reasons why I am an unsalvageable wreck - a tormenting lie.
I have believed that God doesn't speak anymore, that Jesus doesn't save anymore, that the Holy Spirit doesn't move anymore -
Our conversation ended with me praying to Jesus, my long-lost savior and my friend, my hope, my cure - confessing my spiritual Alzheimer's and forgetfulness, asking Jesus to remind me that I don't need to live a lie anymore - I don't need to live looking at my diagnosis, but blind to the freedom of His cure - that it's true that I am absolutely wretched and there is absolutely nothing I can do to fix myself, but THAT is why I so desperately need Him. I asked Him to remind me who He was, bring me back from wandering so far off the road that I forgot the road entirely. I asked Him to show me more and more who He was in scripture and in prayer and give me a passion and a boldness and an undeniable calling to follow Him. I begged Him to let me not forget this.
I cried.
My husband had said before, during our conversation, that he could not figure out why he still felt such a growing calling to go and share Christ with the people of another country if it was not God's will - that he had been trying to be faithful in every circumstance that God gave him in the here and now, but knew more and more that if he - if we - didn't GO, it was disobedience. I understood now.
I looked into his tear-swollen eyes, knowing they reflected my own, and said, "honey, maybe you just needed to share Him with me first."
He smiled, the tears welling again, and answered, "maybe I did...
I'm sorry for the length and mess of this post. I knew I needed to share it - not just for you, but for me. We English/Writing teachers have a bit of a saying - If it isn't documented, it never happened. I could not risk forgetting again. Please hold me accountable to today. Please help me to not forget.
And please learn from my lostness, my wandering, my hard questioning.
The next time Satan tempts you to believe a lie, wrestle it out with God. Ask Jesus the hard questions, beg for answers. LOOK to Him. Bend your eyes, your heart, your will, upward and pray. Ask Him. If you have believed in your heart that Jesus came for you, that there is no way that you can do anything to fix yourself or have a chance at saving yourself from the pits in life and the pit of Hell in death other than to trust in His sacrifice and surrender your life to Him, allowing Him to give you freedom - then continue to trust Him even when things don't make sense. And believe me, there will come lonely, gut-wrenching times when things don't make sense. Only Jesus can show you the way through all of the pain to all of the answers and even if it hurts to get there, it is SO worth it!
Press on to SEEK the Truth and STOP believing the lie!!
